I'm sitting here at my computer at 12:10 a.m. Sunday just wondering if Scott has arrived in Nanchang, China. For Scott it is actually around 12:10 p.m. Sunday. Last he text messaged me it was to tell me he was in Hong Kong awaiting his flight to Nanchang where he will be for the next few days. He said he was tired, but doing ok.
Yesterday when I left Scott at the airport I had an overwhelming feeling of homesickness for him. I was dealing w/ very real fear. Fear of his being on the other side of the world so far away from us. Fear that I would get sick while he was away with an infection if my white blood count got too low from chemo. And most of all fear of being a mother again and the idea that Lilly might not love me, that we might not bond, that I'm out of shape at being a Mommy of a baby. Total fear. So I did the kind of thing I always do - I got in the car and took Jesse to the movies. We went to see Wall-E. Now looking back - how appropriate as we enter this world that is so alien to us.
It's so surreal. I mean, little Lilly, we've talked about her so long. And now Scott's actually in China getting ready to meet her. I've heard it said that a birth child grows in your belly, while an adopted child grows in your heart. That's so true. I may not have carried Lilly inside of me, but God certainly grew her in both Scott's & my hearts. On Friday when Scott was sitting in the Grand Cayman airport awaiting his flight to New York he called me and he told me something I had not thought of. When I was pregnant w/ Jesse, we prayed for Jesse every day. Scott always prayed Psalm 15 over him as he'd talk to my belly. And I would be silly and talk back as if it was Jesse talking. So the night before Scott left for New York he had a hard time getting to sleep and he thought about how we used to pray for Jesse and that's when it came to him - we've been praying for Lilly for such a long time. Over 3 years now - which means we were praying for Lilly before she was even conceived. Yes, I do believe God placed Lilly in our hearts long ago and that He always meant for her to be a gift to us. I am forever grateful to her birth mother who gave her life so that we can be her family.
This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. - Psalm 118:24
Truly we are blessed.
As they say in Cayman even when they great you in the early evening . . . Good Night,
Mom to David, Megan, Josh, Jesse & Lilly
Blessed, Blessed, Blessed
12 years ago
2 comments:
In my poor English, I don't have words to show my feelings after I read your post, Julie! I have tears in my eyes now... It was not so long ago when I first met you guys, great family and heard about Lilly. Now your dream (plans) is becoming true... in a kinda busy situation for you... as getting ready to be a first time mom, I am very happy for you and get anxious at the same time... you talked about fear.. for different reasons, I feel fear too sometimes... it's a new world experience.. but don't feel fear, PLEASE!! Lilly is being prepared for God to be your daughter.. she already loves you guys from the bottom of her little heart! (I'M SURE!!!) God bless you guys even more for being so given...
LOVE YOU, SWEETIE!
STAY WELL!
Thanks for bloggin'! Keeps us in the loop and praying!
Lord, bless Scott and Lilly in their travels. Work out every detail. Give Jullie peace and help her know this is exactly where she is meant to be in this moment in her life. All she has to do is keep her eyes on you!
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