Julie's Chat with God

I mentioned in my last blog how I have a history of anxiety. Not debilitating panic attack anxiety, but I assure you it's real. It all began, immediately following my complete hysterectomy 4 years ago at which time doctors assured me menopause would come fast and hard. Since then I've dealt with anxious legs (picture wanting to kick a hole in the couch for relief, the month or two immediately following the surgery) to feeling like I'm crawling out of my skin prior to a hot flash (which then goes away immediately), to the one that bothers me the most the "I have so much to do I can't do anything" anxious heart that comes when I stress myself out. I've been told some of this is probably medication related due to an anti-estrogen medicine I take to keep me anti-breast cancer, some of it is menopausal hormones and quite honestly (and I think primarily) it's Julie's love to stress personality.

With Thanksgiving and Christmas activity approaching, a self-imposed December 31, 2010 deadline to finish a book, and a need to pack for a move down the road in the middle of December in an organized fashion for my own sanity, for days last week I found myself unable to perform any of my responsibilites. I would sit in my chair staring at my computer or the television or I'd try to nap; all techniques I use to escape my duties. I did all of this while also trying not to climb through my skin, because I knew fully it was all ridiculous and had to stop causing me this undo stress. My normal routine when feeling this way is to call a friend to chat it out and to ask them to pray. Or to call Scott and ask him to kindly tell me to knock it off or hug me. But one day last week was different. I decided I wanted to meet anxiety head on and deal with it, to get right in the middle of it instead of running from it. So when Scott got home and suddenly found he could not go on a walk/run with me for one of us needed to stay back with the kids, I left on a walk of my own with my thoughts to deal with.

I went for that walk at which time tired of anxiety having its way with me, I decided to have a conversation with God. And here's how it went:

I said to God, "Why do I have anxiety and often? I want to know so I can change what's at the root of it and face it head on."

And I heard this in my spirit, "Submit."

So like the Julie I am who always pushes it further, I said, "But I do submit! I know I don't always get my way, but You do always get Yours. I get that."

And that's when I got it for I heard, "No, Submit."

I realized it's like this. Just because we listen to our parent and do as they ask it doesn't mean we always agree with them. It seems I tend to do the same thing with God sometimes. Especially when I see people hurting and don't understand His whole plan or where He's going with something by allowing it. This helped me to see myself in a new light and to see things a little differently than I had been.

If you question if anxiety is real in people, than you've never experienced it, because I assure you it's real, but I also assure you . . . God can help you through it. Anyone who knows me knows I'm all for medical help and medicines for I see them as some of God's lifeboats He sends our way. But I also say, Cling to the Lord as I do and ask for His help.

My suggestion, don't say, "Please take my problem from me." Rather say, "Please take my problem and also take me to the source of the problem and deal with that in me, too." Oh, the burden that is lifted is completely worth it. I personally don't think you can say, "Lord, lift my high cholesterol" while drinking a glass of crisco oil. I think we play a part in honoring Him. When we accept His gifts of healing us while knowing full well it can happen again if we don't make some changes ourselves, are we really honoring his gift. I say, ask Him to help you to learn how to fish. He loves you and wants the best for you.

Love Julie, who since chatting with God about anxiety and the source of that anxiety has packed several organized boxes, exercised and even done some good editing.

Be Anxious about Nothing . . . Not Even the Hot Flash

Be anxious about nothing. I know that's Biblical and I really need to press into scripture with the anxiousness of which I'm referring, that which comes with the approach of a hot flash. If you've never experienced a hot flash then you might think, "Oh, yes, the hot flash. My mom had those. She'd freeze the rest of us out of house and home by opening the windows in the middle of winter. And sometimes she'd go into a compulsive fanning of herself to cool off. Yes, I'm familiar." I'm here to report. No, no, you are not familiar.

The hot flash in and of itself is not horrible. Sure it's no fun to be in an airconditioned building all dressed up yet all of a sudden you find yourself sweating out of nowhere. But that's not what I dislike. In fact my sister actually likes the hot flash for it warms her normally freezing self up. Silly sister.

No, what I struggle with is the anxious feeling that comes right before the hot flash, thus compelling me into wanting to yell to all who will listen "Do not come near me . . . get away! Come on hot flash, so this feeling goes away!"

And that is your lesson on hot flashes. If you're ever near me and I start shooing you away, please don't take it personal. It's simply anxiety hitting me as the hot flash approaches. You're annoying to me even though you don't deserve it. Just step away and pray for me. Pray the hot flash hits, so the anxiety goes away. For once the hot flash hits, I may be a little sweaty for a moment, but I can handle you being near again . . . as long as you don't laugh at me. Oh yeah, just yesterday I told you we should laugh more. Ok, then laugh. For if I'm beyond the anxiety and in full out hot flash, I'm not likely to throw a shoe at you. Rather I'll have my fan out like a sweet southern girl fanning herself of the heat.

And remind me of one of my favorite scriptures:

"Cast your anxiety on him because he cares for you." - 1 Peter 5:7

Thanks for laughing with me. I needed it. :)

Laugh More

Realizing I don't laugh enough these days . . . will be working on that. Do you ever notice that about yourself. I've noticed lately as the weather has been getting cooler I haven't been laughing as much, but rather have been taking myself too seriously. Note to self, see how many times I mentioned "I" . . . could be some of the problem. Tonight I read the blog two of my friends started which they call "Bittertrain." I tell you I was giggling myself silly. So here's my advice. Take time to laugh more often. I think if my focus is on me at all, it should be to laugh at myself more. I promise you life is so much sweeter when you're laughing instead of whining. Laughing.

Quito Mission Trip . . . August 8 & 9

Shuffling Off to Quito, Ecuador – Day 1, Sunday, June 8

Well, it's finally happening. We are finally heading to Quito, Ecuador, a much anticipated Short-term mission trip with my church, Bethel Life Worship Center.

Seems like just yesterday we were all praying and finding our own way to this particular trip. For me, it was a heart for missions which started to grow more and more with each trip Scott made to South and Central American in the last ten years. I used to call myself the praying wife who prayed him up as he headed out to Peru, Guatemala, Venezuela and Costa Rica. I'd stay home, hold down the fort, take care of the kids and promise to put a dog or two to sleep for bad behavior if needed. But after a long-term mission stint in Grand Cayman of the Cayman Islands, my heart for the world grew and I knew I head to get out there and see the world, how it lives and touch lives with the Word. With this in mind, early on at Bethel Life, I learned of the trip to Quito. After talking to my friends Kris and Denise at Bethel Life, there was no turning back. I was destined to Quito, Ecuador Summer 2010. And here I am sitting on a bus on my way while my husband stays home, holding down the fort, hopefully not threatening to put down a dog or two.

We all have a story like this that lead us here. Tammi, got the bug, too, while her husband Rodney felt it was a call for her he would support and cheer on. Tish, she came all the way from Texas to fly to Quito after what sounds like countless encouraging talks w/ her friend, Andrew. Tara and her mother, both nurses, caught the bug, too. It was Tara's mother who declared she was nervous early on, but then just 2 days ago as we prepared to go, she said, “If I didn't even go on the trip at this point, I've already gotten so much out of it.” Well, said, I'd agree.

Anyone who knows me personally knows I am always eager to talk, share the Lord's Word and rarely show nerves where that is concerned. Yet it has been through fasting and praying and praying some more, I've realized how very nervous I am. It's a big job, spreading God's Word. Will I do it correctly? Will my silly personality translate or will they look at me strangely? Will they understand me even with a translator? I mean, come on, even my husband thinks I speak another language sometimes. . What if I confuse someone and they don't get the proper seeds planted as a result? Well, guess what? Perhaps that's part of the point. I'm not the lead in this dance. I'm simply one part of the whole dance, The best part is I don't have to lead. He'll lead and hopefully keep me from stepping on other dancers toes, but even if I do, with a praying heart filled with His grace, He'll continue to lead me and all I have to do is listen for His voice and follow Him, and share His love.

So tonight some with tears in their eyes, others like me saw an opportunity for a nap on a bus are headed to New York City where we will catch a plane for Quito, Ecuador by way of a layover in Costa Rica. No, Tammi, you don't need to fly the plane, just sit back and relax. Relax and as for that anxiety about flying . . . Stop it!

The bus ride is funny. Personalities are coming out. Lot's of headphones on listening to Ipods or as I lovingly refer to them walkmans. Me, I have on my 2005 birthday present, an MP3 player, playing over and over 10 songs Scott put on for me initially. I'm listening to the music, while I sit and write. Kris and Kendrick are watching “Mall Cop” on an Ipod while laughing a lot. I asked “Kris, do you have a headset on?” Why you ask . . . she said much louder than I believe she could have realized, I'm eating a hershey kiss with “CARMEL.” More laughter. Oh and while we're on food. I'm loving Crystal's Grandpa for the cookies. And enjoyed getting to know my new friend Brenda, Crystal's mother as we shared days of packing stories. Pastor Kent has walked up and down the aisles tending to his flock several times. I overheard Angie read a Bible Verse to Summer out of Daniel about following the Lord whether He showed up or not to bring the 3 men out of the firey furnace they were put in for following their faith and bowing down to no other God. A great reminder as we head out.. And snacking. Lots snacking going on from carrots to cookies. But I think Jared is my favorite to watch. At 10 he is the youngest player on the trip, bu t I sense may have the greatest potential to touch Ecuador with his innocent face and faith. I can't wait to see what God has in store for not only Jared, but for each of us.

Thanks for following us. I'm off to get my rest for I feel God has a great journey that is already unraveling as we head to New York.

A Bit about Tithing . . .

Today I read in my daily devotion about the tithe. I know, I know . . . nobody wants to talk about the tithe. "All our Pastor or our Priest talks about is the tithe. Not Julie, too. I hate those guilt sermons." Well, I thought I'd do your Pastors and Priests a favor and explain something that just spoke to my heart. And If you know me at all you know I'm not a legalist. I don't think you're going to Hell if you don't tithe, but I am going to suggest some stuff you might want to think about. Stuff I, too, shall continue to think about and let set deeply in my heart. Here's a section out of the devotion that struck me as really important to ponder:

Abraham paid tithes six hundred years before the law (see Genesis 14:20), then Jesus endorsed it saying we "ought to tithe (see Matthew 23:23), and the writer to the Hebrews confirmed that it's still God's plan (see Hebrews 7:4-5). As believers, we are the spiritual seed of Abraham, and as such, his blessings have been promised to us (see Galations 3:14) But if you want what Abraham had, you've got to do what Abraham did - and he was the first man in Scripture to tithe! Giving God the first tenth of your income makes Him number one in your priorities. His Word says, "'Bring the whole tithe . . . Test me in this,'. . . 'and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing, that you will not have room enough for it.'" (Malachi 3:10 New International Version (NIV)). Do you want to walk in God's blessing? Be a tither!

Upon reading that here are some thoughts. Nobody wants to hear the sermon called "You Need to Tithe." Especially if you go to a church that doesn't let you bring your cup of coffee in with you. Even people who feel strongly they should tithe have obstacles to this. The first reasons many give who actually want to tithe but at the moment are not, "I want to tithe, but I don't have enough money to do so. I have a car payment. I have a house payment. I don't make enough money at my job." And the really guilt ridden might even say, "I'd love to do it, perhaps my family can eat less." Well, guess what? I have often thought just the same. Only if I'm honest sometimes I get annoyed that if we are out of money the first thing to go is my hair highlighting habit. I told you I'm honest.

Listen, it's hard to come up with the money. But I think perhaps this is where my thinking has been faulty. I think often our thinking is God gets what's leftover. Of course, He does. Why? Because He's not sending us notices saying if we don't pay He'll take His love back. As a result like the child who is the most quiet and best behaved in the room gets overlooked in the needing attention department. Be honest. Right? We pay for our cars and our houses so they're not taken away, but with Jesus, once you receive Him into your heart, He won't disown you. Isn't that even more reason to be loyal to Him and His flock. Don't let Him slide as a priority. Our kids can't fire us, so it's okay to ignore them, right? Wrong? We wouldn't do that would we. Well, maybe. :)

Just a thought about how to go about fixing this. If we paid our tithe first because it was a top priority, we would never miss a payment. It would be up there with our other budgeted items like our house, our groceries and our car payments. After all those payments were made then we would do the extras like buying a frappe at Starbucks or even just a cup of coffee at the local mini-market. The leftover money would not go to the tithe, rather it would be what paid for those new sketcher shoes and yes, those highlights for your hair. Oh shoot, there I go down a rabbit trail thinking about myself again. Sorry.

And I'm not as oblivious as I often seem, I know some people are strapped even more than I suggested above. I realize there are people in debt and struggling to even buy groceries and keep a roof over their heads. But I promise you, He will take care of you. He will. I could give you countless examples. Find a church you can fellowship in. One where you will find love and support as you climb this burden of a financial mountain. I'm not suggesting you go ask for a handout. I'm suggesting you go and ask them to help you by suggesting a financial class or counseling to help you. Don't keep living with your head just above water. Go for help. Their are wise people to talk to where money is concerned. Please don't call me. I said, wise people where money is concerned. But there really are wise people who can help, I've seen people turn their financial situation around time and time again. You say, no, Julie, you have no idea how bad our situation is. Perhaps not, but the Lord does. It's not easy, but it can be done and with it brings Freedom.

Please don't feel guilty today about this. Guilt is not from God. But do pray about this and give it some thought. At the the very least get your best pensive look on your face and think about it a tish bit.

Thanks for listening to this Island Girl who's landlocked with thoughts I wanted to share with you . . .

Vote for Old Paint my friends!

Merry Christmas a little late!

We had a White Christmas . . . Christmas 2009

And what a joyous Christmas Season it was for us as we made our way back to Western Pennsylvania just in time for Thanksgiving. After almost 8 years away finally we were near family for the holidays. It wasn’t a short road getting here, rather had lots of stops along the way, but we are home and we’re warm even w/ the snow we see daily.

It seemed it was time to come home after 2 good years in Grand Cayman. We made friends from all over the world and got to see God at work. While it’s nice to be back, Scott and I are forever grateful to the Lord for placing us in Grand Cayman for a season.

One by one we departed the Island. Good-bye Island life! First out was Lucy, shipped back in April to Ohio w/ my friend, Lynne, who almost forgot her at the airport. Lucy actually did go to live on a farm in the country! Josh left in June for time in Pennsylvania & Florida followed closely by Jesse, Lilly & I. After an eventful flight, w/ a sick Jesse and a cranky Lilly, or was it a cranky Julie, we made it safe and sound to Pittsburgh where my Mom, Aunt, Uncle and cousins were eagerly awaiting our arrival. Scott and Garbo were last to leave, Garbo tucked under Scott’s seat on the plane – only escaping once when the flight attendant wanted a look-sy and unzipped her carrier. Oops! Finally after stays in Pennsylvania, Ohio and Florida we all met up together in Florida. Next we planted ourselves temporarily in Ada, Ohio thus reuniting w/ Lucy again. Family complete. We determined to stay in Ohio where we’d wait for what was next. God was so faithful even giving Scott an opportunity to work as a visiting Engineering Professor at my alma mater, Ohio Northern University, of all things. It was a long crazy summer, but we made it! And ah, the journey!

After a long time of living out of suitcases and boxes, God finally placed us right in my family’s backyard of Western Pennsylvania in Greenville where Scott has taken the position of Public Service Director for the Borough. When we left for Grand Cayman, I said to my Mom, who knows, maybe when we return we’ll end up living near you. And so it is. While I miss Florida and Grand Cayman for the great friends and the sunshine we left behind, I cannot tell you how much this feels like home to us all - most importantly because for the first time ever we had all five kids with us under one roof Christmas morning.

David’s busy, working full-time, going to college at the University of Phoenix online, and in the Navy Reserves. He was a welcome addition to the kitchen always being a better and more relaxed cook than I. Megan’s doing well, fourth in standing in her senior class with several applications out for college and a goal to be a teacher. We look forward to seeing what the next year brings for her. Christmas was special as it was the first time sisters, Lilly and Megan met. Truly Lilly stole Megan’s heart and she stole Lilly’s. A great big sister, Megan got her ear talked off by a very happy Jesse, too. It felt so good to see her.

Josh, Jesse & Lilly are my heroes. Both boys have been troopers. Starting school in Ada and then transferring to Greenville would have been a big deal to me as a kid, but they did it effortlessly. Josh is a junior and Jesse is in 3rd grade. Jesse & Lilly are happy to live closer to Gramma Kay, or Gramma Candy as Lilly refers to her, and their cousins whom they love. Josh is blessed by finally living closer to his Mom & siblings. This year Josh started taking flying lessons. He can’t drive yet, but he’s flying. Hmmm. Lilly proved quite resilient simply saying “my new house” each time we moved this summer. She is still quite close to Josh, who I’ve threatened will be taking her to college w/ him if he keeps teaching her silly tricks. Jesse has embraced life as a big brother, mostly enjoying it and her silliness. Jesse’s greatest accomplishment this year was making a snow angel for the first time ever!

Scott is due to finish his Master’s in Divinity very soon, was ordained this year by an evangelical ministerial association, and is hopeful to reach his goal of becoming a Chaplin in the Army in the near future. With a heart that continues to grow in mission work, he heads out w/ his buddy, Jeff, to Peru for another trip soon and is already spotting God shaped holes for us to fill in ministry in our new church, Bethel Life Worship Center. A church loved by us all. They’re doing the stuff and getting outside the doors. Mostly I am mommying, but when I’m not mommying I’m busy working on a book I hope to have published by 2010. Mostly I see it my job to just keep spreading His Word for He’s been quite good to us.

I hope you and yours had a wonderful Christmas season and as always our doors are open waiting for a visit from you & yours. Peace & Blessings this New Year!

Love, the Graubards

A new blog for the Island Girl

Hi all,

If you are a loyal follower of Island Girl, you might want to check out my new blog Ho Ho's a Go Go. It's my adventures at praying more, eating healthier, and getting back in shape. Enjoy!

Blessings,

Julie

And all I got was this t-shirt

Do you ever feel that way? Like you want to be on vacation, having a swell old time walking the beach or whatever it is that vacation looks like to you, yet you feel like you only got the t-shirt. The reminder of what a great vacation spot you're missing out on. I've felt that lately. And make no mistake, I am blessed. Blessed beyond reason. But still, I'm human and more specifically have a flair for the dramatic, so sometimes when life is just day to day routine, something I personally should be excited about, I get a bit of the blahs.

Today I got one of those forward emails meant to remind you God is in all things. I'm not one for those emails, but I know people mean well when they send them. And often times they know I love Jesus, so they feel I'm a safe person to send them. But that said there I go judging as I know they do speak to some people more than they do to me. I suppose I just prefer to know Him on a more personal basis. I prefer Him in my day to day life thinking of Him, my BFF, on and off all the time for it is from He who I draw my joy.

All this said, today I got one of those emails. While it is very nice and very insiteful - I laughed when I read the first part of it. The email went something like this. "I asked God for a flower and a butterfly" written on top of a picture of a beautiful flower w/ a butterfly nearby. The next frame read "And he gave me this cactus." I laughed out loud. For we've all been there. Of course, the email went on to say, the cactus sprouted a beautiful flower and the catepillar also received became a gorgeous butterfly, so trust God for He knows what He's doing. All true for I do know God gives us His best. Still when you feel like life is beating you down, you know what it feels like to get the cactus when you want the beautiful water of a beach somewhere in the midst of winter. Maybe I'm taking this too personally in the midst of my first real winter back up North. :)

Fortunately I still have my sense of humor. And like I said mundane in the Graubard household is not such a bad thing.

Life isn't always a parade . . . nor is it a hurricane . . . I suppose thankfully . . . for it is in these times I think perhaps "this girl" grows the most. It is during these times where I get the "life is too good to be true" fears that are simply not from the Lord. Worry takes you nowhere, my friends . . . turn it all over to the Big Guy upstairs. He's in the business of showing you how cactuses are really flowers in disguise.

As always . . . thanks for listening.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." - John 16:33

Nobody said it would be easy . . .

God never said it would be easy here on earth . . . well, he planned it to be at one time when He originally made us in His likeness . . . but then one bite out of that fruit and we fell away from all He had for us via sin. Not everyone understands that . . . for it's quoted all the time as an ok ticket to sin . . . "well, He made us in His likeness." Yes, true, but then we fell from that glory. But take heart - there is good news in spite of ourselves. He did say He's there and He'll walk through stuff with us . . . both the good and the bad and the indifferent stuff. He's there. And while we fell from being like Him due to our sin natures . . . the good news - and you knew I'd say it because there's always good news . . . He did make a way for us to reconcile with Him and that's just cool if you ask me. Can you tell I'm a little pensive today. You see this week I've been struggling to find a balance in today's world. It's about being passionate about stuff. Everyone who knows me knows I'm passionate. But the question is: How passionate should you be? Because if you're passionate . . . you will be attacked for it by one group or another.

My joke this week is - did you know when you have had one mastectomy and still have to go for a mammogram on the remaining side - you still pay for the double mammogram . . . life isn't fair . . . get used to it. :) We all struggle with this thought in one way or another. We all naturally want our way. The cheapest way, the easiest way, the why do I have to go through this why can't it be simple way. But it's not up to us. And I assure you . . . there is an easy way, but don't confuse that with it's going to be our way.

Today in the USA it seems if you're passionate about anything - be prepared. There will be a group that brings you smacked down to your knees in a fight telling you you're wrong. Especially if your passionate about it and it's not politically correct. A common thought is - you're close minded and wrong. Period. But make no mistakes both conservatives and liberals act this way. Just watch the news one night if you think I'm wrong. When you stand up for what you believe it's not going to be accepted like - well, that's what you believe, ok, I can live w/ that and love you anyway . . . it's more of an in your face you're wrong that you'll most likely hear. That hurts. I love being a Christian. But I hate what people think being a Christian equals. I'll tell you what it means. Being a Christian means you Love the Lord, the Trinity w/ all your heart. It means you see the Bible as the whole truth and nothing but the truth - not just some of it - but all of it. It means you want to be in relationship with Him - you pray to, want to be close to and like dreaming about how cool Jesus is. But it's more than that. I couldn't possibly cover it all. But it means - you recognize we all sin - it's man who measures how big the sins are. The Lord sees sin as sin. Period. So if you've ever treated someone unkindly - you too, are a sinner just like the adulterer. It's our very nature since the fall. So Christians are simply sinners who are continually turning their back on sin. Do we fall short? Sometimes, of course. But we pick up on the road where we left off and continue going forward. Yes. I do question if you are a Christian, truly a Christian if you do not desire to turn from sin, but that's between you and God. Not you and Julie.

And I know about sinning first hand and having to stop those desires. Maybe at this point you think my sins are goofy, but they're sin nevertheless. They are the things that hurt people to their core. I joke about everything under the sun and sometimes I must stop the joke for I know it's wrong. My spirit tells me its wrong. And so I stop in spite of the desire to get the laugh. I know it when I throw hate towards my husband because I think I'm right and he's wrong. During those times I stop in my tracks and pray, "Lord, give me the strength to show love here, because you know I'm struggling to see him as You see him." I'm human. But I try to live my life Running toward the Goal:

Running toward the Goal - Philippians 3:12-16 (Contemporary English Version)
12I have not yet reached my goal, and I am not perfect. But Christ has taken hold of me. So I keep on running and struggling to take hold of the prize. 13My friends, I don't feel that I have already arrived. But I forget what is behind, and I struggle for what is ahead. 14I run toward the goal, so that I can win the prize of being called to heaven. This is the prize that God offers because of what Christ Jesus has done. 15All of us who are mature should think in this same way. And if any of you think differently, God will make it clear to you. 16But we must keep going in the direction that we are now headed.

I strive to grow closer and closer to being just like Jesus all the time. He's not trying to change my personality, He's trying to refine me. For instance, me, I believe Jesus was sarcastic. Just look at some of His interaction w/ Peter, who I so relate to. Jesus totally hung out w/ societies so called bad guys, he didn't stay in his safe group of people who were just like Him. He made people feel good about themselves as they turned from sin. My husband said - He didn't go up to the woman at the well and say, "Hey, slut, can I have a glass of water." No, he showed her love in spite of knowing about her lifestyle and her shunning from society as a result. I want to be like Jesus. I want to love not just the easy to love, but the ones who feel they're unlovable, too.

Anyway, It breaks my heart that people think Christian equals hate of different groups of people. And believe me - I know why they feel that way - there are Christians who in trying to get their point across show hate not love. It's a hard balance. It's passion - I have something - I am so joyful that I have it - I want you to have it, too. Like ice cream . . . only better. :) But in that pursuit we hurt people. I remember once a friend calling me out for telling her I prayed for her and that surely she was smart enough to understand there can only be one truth. Believe what you want - but believe it with all your heart. And I hurt her. And it hurt me, too. It still hurts that I hurt her, because I meant well, but I understand why that was hurtful. In my eagerness to share what I'd found I was too in her face. Our walks w/ the Lord are personal and we need to find our way on our own. Plant some seeds of why you're joyful, but sometimes you have to leave well enough alone and let people walk their own walk to finding Him or not, it's there choice. As is the case with whatever it is you're passionate about. If you love something - admit it - at one time or another you may have passionately told someone they were small minded because they didn't believe what you did.

All this said - it's more difficult today then ever before to live in the USA, as a true believer in Christ. Jesus has slowly lost the center of the country. In God we Trust seems to be just words these days. I know, because I lived in a Christian Country where people said to each other - I'm praying for you and people loved it and fell to their knees hoping you'd do it some more. They didn't understand all people could pray - yet looked for strong believers and leaders to do it for them, but they were not offended and as a country were fighting laws that would take God out of their country. Laws which had been accepted in Great Brittain, of which they are a territory, and the USA, which they so relate to.

However, in Grand Cayman I learned to be more tolerant of difference as a whole. How to be loving towards people who rubbed you the wrong way truly by mistake. Scott can tell you numerous funny stories of how passive-aggressive I would become over what I'd see as insults when really they were just cultural differences. You see there were truly people from all over the world in Cayman and so we saw huge differences in how people interacted acceptably. The questions I received looking back seemed like they came from a child - they were so innocent. Questions and statements like . . . "hey, look at you! you gained weight!" "who's your daughter's real mother? No, really, her real mother." "Why would you adopt a baby instead of having your own?" "I'm going to borrow your computer tonight." "I want to borrow your grill and I need your charcoal and lighter fluid, too." But you learn people are different and it's ok. It's ok. If you think it's funny seeing an American's expression after such comments, you really should have seen a Brittish face. Stoic as they are. My favorite comment coming from one of my best Jamaican friends. She looked at the Governor (equivalent to the President here), a Brittish man, and said, "Governor, you must love the Cayman food, you've put on a lot of weight around the middle!" And then she laughed her Jamaican robust laugh. And he looked at her w/ his very straight trying to smile politely Brittish expression saying "um, yes, I suppose." Difference at it's funniest. I learned to walk up to people and say, "Your butt looks bigger! Hurrah! Did you eat too much?!" OK, maybe not, but I learned from my Jamaican housekeeper daily to take things as they were said and not personally. It was a hard lesson on my "try desperately not to offend be polite" personality.

But back to my passion. I love Jesus. I love the Holy Spirit. And I love God the Father w/ all my heart. I Adore the whole Trinity. He healed me from breast cancer not once, but twice! He took my father home and healed him just in time so he would not have to suffer more here w/ a return of lung cancer. He brought me my children. My husband. He got us through some really, really hard stuff. And he was right there - even when I sulked and was mad. Even then I knew He had joy to give me if I would only reach out and grab hold of it. "The Joy of the Lord is my Strength!" And sometimes I turned my back on Him like an angry child saying "I love you Lord, but I'm mad at you. I hate cancer. Can't you do the miracle cure instead of the go through chemo and using doctors to heal me cure. You want me to have a what? A testimony? A greater compassion for those also hurting? OK, I give." In all my happiness in all my pain, He's always been there - I'm the one who blocked Him and everyone else out when I was scared and wanted to be alone. He was always there wanting to hold my hand. In times like those ultimately like that angry child I slowly let a smile go back on my face and through it all mad or not, I've learned I want to Praise Him no matter what! For He owes me nothing - yet He gave me it all.

I love Him. I'm sorry if you read this and don't believe in the Bible or believe in the Lord like I do and therefore take offense. But I assure you in spite of our differences . . . I love you and I am sorry you hurt for whatever you hurt in, too. Of course, I see there only being one truth for there can only be one truth - truth is truth. But that doesn't mean - I don't respect your decision not to agree with me. I wish you a good life. And I'm here for you should you ever want to know what it is that keeps Julie driving on not just in good and bad times, but in the indifferent times which for my personality are often the hardet times of all. They wear me out. I'm here for you. But please don't ask me not to be passionate about my beliefs. For it is when I lose my passion that I feel I'm letting Him down.

Thank you Jesus for loving me in spite of the fact that I'm still human and have made many mistakes. Thank you that each day the burden I carry grows lighter for you continually take it from my arms and say - be joyful my child. I love You. :)

His only assignment to me . . . Love Him and Love my neighbors. And even more importantly His newest command revealed in John - to Love people like He loves them. I call myself a Christian. And so I'm going to try my best, lean on His spirit for help and keep on keeping His assignment. I love you my neighbor, truly I do.