Julie's Chat with God

I mentioned in my last blog how I have a history of anxiety. Not debilitating panic attack anxiety, but I assure you it's real. It all began, immediately following my complete hysterectomy 4 years ago at which time doctors assured me menopause would come fast and hard. Since then I've dealt with anxious legs (picture wanting to kick a hole in the couch for relief, the month or two immediately following the surgery) to feeling like I'm crawling out of my skin prior to a hot flash (which then goes away immediately), to the one that bothers me the most the "I have so much to do I can't do anything" anxious heart that comes when I stress myself out. I've been told some of this is probably medication related due to an anti-estrogen medicine I take to keep me anti-breast cancer, some of it is menopausal hormones and quite honestly (and I think primarily) it's Julie's love to stress personality.

With Thanksgiving and Christmas activity approaching, a self-imposed December 31, 2010 deadline to finish a book, and a need to pack for a move down the road in the middle of December in an organized fashion for my own sanity, for days last week I found myself unable to perform any of my responsibilites. I would sit in my chair staring at my computer or the television or I'd try to nap; all techniques I use to escape my duties. I did all of this while also trying not to climb through my skin, because I knew fully it was all ridiculous and had to stop causing me this undo stress. My normal routine when feeling this way is to call a friend to chat it out and to ask them to pray. Or to call Scott and ask him to kindly tell me to knock it off or hug me. But one day last week was different. I decided I wanted to meet anxiety head on and deal with it, to get right in the middle of it instead of running from it. So when Scott got home and suddenly found he could not go on a walk/run with me for one of us needed to stay back with the kids, I left on a walk of my own with my thoughts to deal with.

I went for that walk at which time tired of anxiety having its way with me, I decided to have a conversation with God. And here's how it went:

I said to God, "Why do I have anxiety and often? I want to know so I can change what's at the root of it and face it head on."

And I heard this in my spirit, "Submit."

So like the Julie I am who always pushes it further, I said, "But I do submit! I know I don't always get my way, but You do always get Yours. I get that."

And that's when I got it for I heard, "No, Submit."

I realized it's like this. Just because we listen to our parent and do as they ask it doesn't mean we always agree with them. It seems I tend to do the same thing with God sometimes. Especially when I see people hurting and don't understand His whole plan or where He's going with something by allowing it. This helped me to see myself in a new light and to see things a little differently than I had been.

If you question if anxiety is real in people, than you've never experienced it, because I assure you it's real, but I also assure you . . . God can help you through it. Anyone who knows me knows I'm all for medical help and medicines for I see them as some of God's lifeboats He sends our way. But I also say, Cling to the Lord as I do and ask for His help.

My suggestion, don't say, "Please take my problem from me." Rather say, "Please take my problem and also take me to the source of the problem and deal with that in me, too." Oh, the burden that is lifted is completely worth it. I personally don't think you can say, "Lord, lift my high cholesterol" while drinking a glass of crisco oil. I think we play a part in honoring Him. When we accept His gifts of healing us while knowing full well it can happen again if we don't make some changes ourselves, are we really honoring his gift. I say, ask Him to help you to learn how to fish. He loves you and wants the best for you.

Love Julie, who since chatting with God about anxiety and the source of that anxiety has packed several organized boxes, exercised and even done some good editing.