Super Hero or Super Freak? You be the Judge

I headed to Florida this week. As many of you know many of my doctors are in Florida. Not only my oncology team, but also my plastic surgeon. Let me assure you - once you've found a good plastic surgeon - you stay w/ that plastic surgeon. He becomes your lifelong friend. Some people have lawyers on retainer, I think I shall keep a plastic surgeon there. In other words you can be sure I will not be the one casting stones at Kate Gosselin.

Well, I've arrived in Florida and after pre-op and my oncology check-ups today I'm ready to proceed friday with surgery. It is my second of 3 surgeries I must go through to complete my breast reconstruction. I'm no stranger to this as you know I went through this same process in 2006 on the other side, but still surgery is surgery and it always leaves me a little uneasy as I approach it. You know the stuff. Fearful I'll forget to pack my goofy after surgery shirts. Sexy. Fearful I'll admit something else inappropriately while dozing into or out of anestesia. Fearful the kids will need their favorite pajamas or snack or something that I forgot to leave them prior to my trip. Fearful the hotel won't have TLC on the TV. Fearful, fearful, fearful, cause when I want to be . . . I'm a freak of fears. But my biggest one I had coming into this surgery was that I'll get the silly swine flu from the stale air on my flight down to Florida.

It's a legitimate fear. Both Jesse & I individually but on different dates the week following our flights to Pittsburgh from Grand Cayman ended up in the emergency room diagnosed w/ the flu. Now they don't tell you if it's the swine flu or not. And it really doesn't matter as the flu is the flu and my main concern here is it could keep me from surgery. So Tuesday, I faced my fears head on and jumped on a plane where the flu risk - swine or otherwise - is high.

Now I'm not a complete germ-a-phobe. But I do have some phobe where germs are concerned. You know like opening public bathroom doors w/ my sleeve rather than my hand. That kind. This is most apparent when I walk Lilly w/ me into any public restroom stall. You can hear me the whole time repeatedly saying "Don't touch anything. Noooooo! Don't touch. Noooooo! Aaahhhh! Stand right here. Noooooo! Touch nothing. Dirty. Dirty. Dirtyyyyyyy!" If you're a mother you're with me on this, right?! So if that makes me a germ-a-phobe. Then yes, mame, I'm a germ-a-phobe. But truly. These are the exception. I don't think of myself as living in a plastic bubble.

But Tuesday was different. I was not chancing the flu. So I did it. I bought myself a mask. A mask much like the ones I wore back & forth from Grand Cayman to Tampa when I would come for Chemotherapy. Now it didn't bother me then as at that time I was also bald and missing most of my eyebrows - so the mask - least of my worries on the "do I look okay scale?" if you know what I mean.

But this time I was embarrassed. Embarrassed that myself and only one other woman had a mask for our flights. The other woman had her mask on way before she even got on the plane. Brave! But me, I slithered into my seat, looked apologetically at the man next to me and said, "Don't take this personal. I'm a cancer survivor going for a surgery and can't risk getting sick on the plane." Poor guy! Too much - too much information for someone simply trying to read a book on a plane while thinking "who is that masked woman?" Me, Julie "putting pride aside for the sake of a new breast" Graubard. That's who.

So there you have it. More stories of the adventures of Julie. Super Hero or Super Freak? I'm going w/ freak because everyone knows - if I were a super hero I'd have used my "I dream of Jeanie" powers and head bobbed my way to Florida with a blink of the eyes.

A Side of Being a Young Cancer Survivor Most People Don't Realize Exists

Now let me start this blog by saying "Dear Reader this is not a call for your help." It's simply my venting a side of the whole cancer walk many people will not know is a cause of stress for me. Why would you, for we have been so blessed with friends and family who have helped. Unless of course you know me, really know me, then you might have seen in me how stressful I find this to be.

As a breast cancer survivor, I have had to go through not only 1 or 2 surgeries, but we're up to about 14 by now. Of course, not all of them are major surgeries, but that's the count Scott and I have going. I could count them out for you, but it might bore you almost as much as it bores me. Then there's chemo. Not once did I get to go through this, but twice. Then there's radiation. Ditto. Oh, and did I mention Dr.'s appointments. Countless doctors appointments that will continue perhaps at a lesser rate, but will continue until Kingdom come. Most of you already know all this about me. So why bring it up now at the tail end of this round of surviving breast cancer yet again. I'll tell you why, because it's hard having a young family and continually having to find help for the family as we walk through even the easy stuff like appointments.

But back to my stress point. A lot of these appointments take not only me, but also Scott away from the family. Me, as the patient and Scott as my personal hand holder.

It goes something like this. Who's going to pick Jesse up from school? Oh my, what will the kids eat tonight? McDonalds again? Sure? Are we overburdening Josh, who is constantly the third parent? And now we have baby duty all over again w/ Lilly. Oh no, one of them is in diapers again! This complicates things! And we can't call on someone to watch the little ones who we've just met. I just can't, they hardly know my kids how will I go into surgery or rest in good conscious! Is there a little seat in the operating room we can strap Lilly to, complete with a packet of animal crackers and a bottle? Scott what do we do this time?! Does my Mother have to make another trip with me thus giving up her life in Pennsylvania to do so for another 6 weeks at a time? What about my good friend Lynne? Or Erika? Or Judy? All have put in countless hours. Have we not called on them enough? Do people look at me like I'm an Amway Salesman. Don't make eye contact . . . here she comes!

On a side note, I did rebel a little in 2005 to 2006 against all the appointments in my life. I didn't go to the Dentist. I need the Eye Doctor too much, so I had to go to those appointments. But thank the Lord Jesus I have amazing teeth without cavities. So I skipped Dental cleanings and appointments for a time period, knowing I could get away with it since I'm such a good flosser. When I finally did return to the Dentist. She said with concern in her voice, "What kept you away? Are you afraid of the Dentist?" I exclaimed, "Are you kidding, I love how I feel after a Dental cleaning, I was simply being a rebel where I could get away with it!"

Now while most people do not make us feel this way, it's still a burden on my little heart. I ache thinking, who can I ask this time to help out. Nobody, except maybe, maybe Scott will ever realize how draining this is on my personality type. The, "please don't let anyone think I am taking advantage of them, I hate to have to overburden people, I like doing stuff myself" personality type. Sounds like pride, huh? Pride with a small mix of paranoia mixed in, but it's there and it's real and it stresses me out almost more than the silly disease itself has. And it's time to go through this yet again as I head back to Florida for surgery #2 of my reconstruction surgeries. Yay me!

On a good note, and there's always a good note, I praise God I am healthy. And as I prepare for my next surgery while also preparing to find help with the kids, I remind myself, this, too, shall pass. This too, I shall survive. But if you're reading and you've ever helped for a day or for more days than you can count. Then know I love you. Both Scott and I do more than you'll ever know. And thank you in the future for daring to make eye contact w/ me even as you see my next surgery coming up, for it tells me you understand my angst of asking for help I never planned on needing. We have amazing friends and family. We are blessed.

As always I thank you for all the prayers along the way.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
- Philippians 4:13

Love you all,

Julie and the family

Island Girl - trapped on land

Well, it's been a while since I wrote, so today w/ all this Julie/Julia movie stuff going on like so many others I felt I must get at it. Yes, of course. Maybe I need to write about what it's like to be a survivor - not just of breast cancer, but of reconstruction surgery, too. Maybe I should write about it once a day for 365 days. Or maybe I should write about whatever it is Julie wrote about for 365 days while she cooked from Julia's cookbook. What? Or maybe I should write about what it's like to move back to the US after 2 years in the Carribean writing about what the weather was like each of the 365 days per year that we were there. Sunny, 1000 degrees, w/ a chance of showers for about 1 hour that will make it hot, hot, hotter later in the day.

Seriously folks, it's been a long time since I blogged and I look back embarrassed that the last thing I wrote about was the infamous Jon & Kate when even Jon & Kate don't care about Jon & Kate anymore.

So let's just start w/ a quick update. Since leaving Grand Cayman we've had quite the ride. Josh left Cayman at the end of June the day after school was out at Triple C. Jesse, Lilly and I left on July 6. We headed to Beaver, Pennsylvania for the first leg of our adventures beyond Cayman. It started out a good trip, but ended in a blur for me as I got sick and ended up leaving Pennsylvania for Ohio in an achy state. So after about a 10 day stay w/ my Mom in PA, we headed for Ohio to stay w/ my friend Lynne at her farm in Alger, Ohio where we were reunited w/ our dog, Lucy, who barked at us at first and then looked at us like we seemed familiar. Then you could see on her face the "Oh yes, it's my family!"

Alger is right outside of the town of my Alma Mater, Ohio Northern University located in Ada, Ohio. Ada, Ohio where I had lived for not only 4 years for College (in the day when parents said you will be in college for 4 years period and they meant it). Then after a couple of years back in my hometown I returned to Ada, Ohio where I was employed in Admissions for 8 years. So as you can see - I spent 12 years in old Ada, so it was nice to return - however, I was still sick and really didn't get to enjoy it. Keep reading I promise our adventures get more exciting as I did head to Florida from there for Reconstruction. Yay me!

After a short stint in Ohio at Lynne's, the kids, Lynne and I loaded up in her car and headed to Florida. I had reserved a cottage to live in for the month as I knew from previous reconstruction surgery that I needed to be in town near the Doctor for follow-up appointments and recovery for at least a month. Lynne kindly agreed to help w/ this. Now lest Scott or my Mom are reading - they did both come and take care of me, too, but Lynne was the one who was there the whole time. God bless her. So in a cottage on Treasure Island became home July 19-August 19 (my 9th wedding anniversary I might add).

On August 19th Lynne, the kids and I loaded up the car and returned to Ohio. Now you may be wondering (or maybe you aren't) where Josh & Scott & Garbo ended up. Josh had been visiting his Mom in Pennsylvania and friends in Florida throughout the month of June, July & into early August. Scott arrived in Florida for my surgery w/ Garbo in tow the weekend before my surgery. Garbo had a short stay w/ our crazy friends Matt & Robin and their kids who foolishly loved on both our dogs before we went to Cayman. But back to the boys & Garbo. Scott returned to Cayman to finish out his contract out which was up on August 4th. So in August Josh, Scott & Garbo headed north together and made a stop to see David & Megan on their way to Ohio where they met up w/ us a day after the little ones and I returned to Ohio. Now, Scott, Josh, Jesse, Lilly, Lucy & Garbo and I are all in Ohio. The girls (including the dogs who are girls as you know) are at Lynne's home and the boys are staying w/ our friend Pat. And this is home for the moment. The kids are enrolled in the Ada Schools and we have a home to rent which we can get into hopefully in a week. So here we are in Ohio awaiting our next move. And there you go. You're caught up.

Keep on me now as I need to keep writing.

Love you all & ask for continued prayer for direction as the job search continues.

Julie

Jon and Kate plus a sad fan

I know it's ridiculous, but I am so saddened by Jon & Kate and their recent separation. Are they victims of stupidity! Did plastic surgery & pedicures & hairstyles make their harmless little life of parenting all those kids go down a wrong path? Sure. But who of us would pass up a free tummy tuck?! Is Kate mean? Sure. Does John put on blinders and seem oblivious most of the time when there are 8 kids to be parented? Sure. But they sound like normal parents of lots of kids that forgot they need God in the middle as it's hard. It's so hard. I mean is Kate mean or is John a slacker? Both. Which came first . . . the chicken or the egg? Who cares. Why isn't someone counseling them to get through this - they've invested so much and were just about to get them all in school. We can all be judgy - but the truth is they are marriage today. It's hard. Hard I tell you . . . but if he did not cheat, if they really are both believers - I so wish someone would pray and pray hard w/ them to fix this and take a break from the media. Am I passionate about this? No, why do you ask?!I need a sandwich.

The Grand Grill of Grand Cayman's for Sale . . . Twice

Since we will be moving - we had our garage sale to sell a few things. Good idea. Mostly we are selling our toys as we don't own much in the kitchen or elsewhere and we'd already donated clothes.

So we had two big items . . . a crib . . . and the infamous huge grill we inherited. It's been a good grill in spite of our having the little roadside charcoal grill God sent us during our first Hurricane here, but still - the big grill was a nice addition to our grill owning.

Well, as you can imagine this grill was a great find for many. Too many it seems.

We sold the grill to a very nice man - a man who said "a nice man let me park here during a hurricane once . . . Scott." This man is a new grandfather & we doted on his grandbaby. We were happy to bless this man. He'd come hoping our charcoal grill was on sale - had his sites on it from the road hoping it would be for sale. And then he found the Grand Grill of Grand Cayman in our garage. I had to tell him, I'd love to sell you the grill, but a woman came by this morning and I promised her I'd wait until tonight when her husband could come by and inspect it. So he went on his way - still he stopped by once in the afternoon to see if she'd called back.

So I decided. Here's an eager buyer, I'm going to call the woman who spoke for the grill and ask her if she is indeed still interested. See when she saw the grill - she'd inquired about it and our car as well. And then a friend drove by and she asked him to look at the grill. They went on their way promising to call back or stop back in the early evening.

I called the woman and asked. Do you still think you are interested in the grill? I have a man particularly interested and so if you are not, I was going to let him have it. She said, oh my husband has not responded so if you have a buyer let him have it. I promised her I'd call her should he change his mind and it still be on sale.

Our buyer eagerly came & paid for the grill excited about his new purchase. He and Scott made plans to meet up in the morning to load the grill in his vehicle so he could take it home.

Off I went to work yesterday morning, telling Marcia, Scott will be home at some point as we sold the grill in the garage & the man is coming to pick it up. I went off to work, knowing Scott would take care of this.

Mid-morning a call came from the buyer. "I'm here to pick up my grill and your babysitter says she sold the grill to a man who came & paid her and took it away." "What?!" I exclaimed. "Where is Scott?" "Scott was going to leave the grill outside as I couldn't meet him when he was available, but your babysitter said someone came and gave her $100 and she sold the grill." "What?! Let me talk to her."

Well, after all was said and done. All Marcia knew was someone was coming to get the grill. And someone did. And they paid her for it. Leaving one sad man, w/ a rack of ribs to barbecue waiting at home and another man . . . who we suspect was the friend of the original lady who was going to buy it - who is happy and grilling like crazy today.

The man who was sad did have such integrity as he was angry. But he came back and kindly paid $10 for the monitor set we had given him telling him no worries pay us tomorrow. We tried to gift these to him, but he insisted. He's a great man. I called the first lady and asked for the grill back, but she said it was not her husband and if she heard anything about the grill she'd call back. She never did - but she did have the same name as the name Marcia said was the friend of the man who purchased. Yeesh!

Praying guy #2 comes back, but figuring it's in God's hands now.

And so it is w/ the Grand Grill of Grand Cayman . . .

The end.

I'm out of control

Today has been stressful to me. I've been on edge and I realize it's all about control issues. Further, as I was thinking about it I realized - it's not God who I don't want to have control of my life. It's everyone else.

You see, I'm one of those people who will do anything to stay out of conflict. And sometimes that means I actually cause it. In fact in my pursuit of pleasing and getting along with others - I try to make peace come even at the expense of my unrest. And most of the time I do it quite passive-aggressively I might add.

So as I pondered this today. I realized I think where I struggle is the idea that others have any control over my life. Sometimes I give it to them. Often in fact. Sometimes I seek approval so much that I give up a part of myself trying to get it. At times I've caught myself actually seeking other people's approval so much that I forget it's really God's approval I should be seeking. Period. But then there are other times when I feel like people feel they have the right to inflict their needs or their time constraints on me so much that I lose control in that way as well. I think this one is harder for me. This is when my well-developed ability to feel guilt works on me the hardest. This is especially difficult for me when it moves into my family life. It's when it's affecting my family that I find myself most irritable. A Bear protecting her cubs!

This lead me into a deeper question for myself. When other people feel the need to inflict their needs on my family. Am I angry because they are taking control of my time? Or am I angry because I've lost my own overzealous control of things?

I gladly give God control over my family's life. In fact I prefer it for I know His plans for our life are meant for good. However, I do not know whether or not I want to give it up to other people. This is something I will continue to pray and ponder.

Julie thoughts about the Conflicted . . .

I just received one of those forwarded emails about how God is mentioned in every state constitution of the United States. A reminder in the beginning He was welcomed into the USA.

You know what's saddens me in general. In the US you see such conflict - you see it in Cayman, too. People say - don't let God be a part of decisions - it's an infringement on rights of those who don't believe - right?! That's cool if you want to live that way US - but then why the heck do people expect Him to show up or ask why He doesn't when a tragedy happens. I thought you didn't believe so why do you have expectations of Him in your world. Hmmmmm. Conflicted peoples. I'd say.

I mentioned this to my husband, Scott, and he reminds me . . .

Through out history God has answered the prayers of the few who remained faithful. Remember Elijah and the Prophets of Baal?. I choose to be one of the faithful. I pray for the strength and determination to be faithful at any cost.

I have to say . . .

Agreed. Amen.

Cling to His neck. He hears you.