Waiting is hard

Just felt like sharing my feelings. I say I am a Christian and that is true. But today I feel like I'm failing somehow.

When we came to Cayman we signed on for a 2 year contract. But we never knew when we'd leave we'd have no answers as to what's next. Now, no one knows better than we do that life happens no matter how much you try to take control, so you might as well just give. But that said - I'm still trying to hang onto control! So I pray the mighty prayer God has given me "Lord, I know you promise to take all things from us if we let you . . . so please, Lord, help me to loosen my grasp on this and give it to you."

I feel like that selfish girl on Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. "I want an Oompa Loompa now!" For I want answers now!

I want to know - what is next for the Graubards. The economy is bad . . . not just in the US, but in Cayman as well. Cayman just doesn't realize it yet - but it's a coming. If the US fails - we fail here as we are a tourist industry.

But that all said - it doesn't matter as it's not about material things. We've had material things - they don't protect you from cancer - and you can tell me go green, go organic all you want - I am not the statistic that gets cancer - did you hear me - I am not the statistic they expect - I eat whole wheat bread and vegetables - prefer them to sugar (mostly) so stop w/ your organic eat well advice - it didn't stop me from getting cancer.

The good news. The Lord pulled me through - not once, but twice. I am healed and that is enough for me. Cancer taught me way more than anything else in my life - so make no mistake - God has been good to me.

But I am scared, frustrated and unhappy not knowing what's next. Still I cling to my faith. He feeds the birds and dresses the flowers. We will be ok. Still my stomach hurts. Thanks for listening.

Prayers welcomed. :)

"So, What is Your Prognosis?"

“So, What is Your Prognosis?”
By Julie Graubard
April 14, 2009

The other day I was at the beach w/ my family and some family friends when the question came. “Julie, so what is your prognosis?” I’ve only ever heard the question a handful of times. Each time I’ve heard those words directed toward me I’ve felt like my heart would stop and my face would turn white. I would stumble over words for an answer to assure them I’m fine. What I really want to do is shout, “My prognosis is good! You didn’t know that? How could you even ask? How could you not know that? I’m fine! Just as fine as you are!” But instead I say, “Oh, good, quite good, I’ve been given a clean bill of health.” Following a question like that, I try desperately to make sure they know I’m ok. I’d be lying if I told you the conversation is over in my mind. The thoughts following the conversation stay w/ me in the pit of my stomach for days. The reality that I have had a disease which has left people w/ that question in their mind is disturbing to me. This brings home the harsh reality that I truly had been a very sick girl, one who has left people concerned for my well-being.

Despite how hard it is to hear this question, I’d rather people ask. The reality is not many people have the nerve to ask the question, but when they do I’m left with an unsettled feeling. Make no mistake I prefer people to ask the question to the many in my path who must be wondering about my prognosis even though they do not ask. For since they do not ask I do not know to answer them. I wonder do they sit around assuming I will always be sick or this horrible disease called cancer could take my life. Maybe I’m self-absorbed for thinking anyone is thinking about my family. But people are curious. And there are those who have prayed for us along the way. Some heard of our family through the kids’ school, others who see us at church each week watch my hair slowly grow back. I want to offer them my answer.

When something like cancer hits your family, you may recover; but your life has changed forever. In a way it is a good change. You are aware of your blessings like never before. It’s possibly a better way to live, but it also leaves you feeling different. My friend calls it “the other side of the street” – the feeling you get when your extreme circumstances make your life significantly different from others. It is like you are stuck on the other side of the street away from those walking the so-called normal path. Some refer to it as a “new” normal type of life. Me, I tend to just think I don’t fit. Period. At least not in the way I used to. If I’m to be politically correct I might refer to myself as differently-abled. I feel different from everyone else. While maybe I hyper perceive everyone seeing me as different, there are still many who do

For me, feeling like I no longer fit in shows its ugly face in many ways. One is how vulnerable my own body has become – like it has let me down in some way. Other times I’m angry others seem to me to be exempt from sickness and that I failed because it happened to me. We all feel exempt or invincible sometimes – why wouldn’t we when we’ve never experienced stuff such as cancer or loss of a spouse or a child or a tragedy along those line? But I assure you of this - once you’ve experienced one of these types of extreme vulnerabilities, you never go back to a normal life. You realize you are indeed vulnerable to life and what it throws at you. You ultimately have absolutely no control. Sure you can make wise choices and live a responsible life, a healthy life, but I assure you, it’s a fallen world and life will still happen. The only real control you do have is how you will respond. Will you turn to the Lord or go it alone?

That day at the beach, I answered my prognosis is good. But really, my prognosis is as good as anyone else’s. But do we all see that?

This brings to me my own question for everyone else. So, what is your prognosis? I mean, do you really know? Our days are numbered and no one really knows when the Lord will come and take us home. How do you answer? What is your prognosis?

An acquaintance who works in the front office at my boys’ school just lost her husband a few weeks ago. He was not sick. This woman, a kind woman who I would often stop and talk with & who seemed to adore Lilly was a bright spot in my day. Now suddenly she has been sent flying by a hurricane strength wind to the other side of the street as she became a widow. Her husband was flown from Grand Cayman Island to Miami, Florida in an emergency helicopter after being diagnosed w/ a stroke/blood clot and died within the week. This was a shock to the family. It was completely unexpected. Apparently his prognosis was not good, but no one knew that. No one would have asked. Certainly if I had met him I imagine it never would have crossed my mind to say, “So, what is your prognosis?” The question would sound absurd.

This is proof positive to me the one thing we can be sure of is whether or not we will choose to walk through life w/ Jesus by our side. Will we ask him into our life? You see I do know my prognosis is good in one way. We had a friend named Frank. Frank battled cancer himself. If you asked Frank how he was doing he’d say, “I’m good. I can’t lose. If God heals me . . . then I am blessed to stay here much longer to be with my friends and family. But if he takes me home to be with the Lord . . . than I am blessed.” Frank was right. He realized something we all should. With Jesus our prognosis is good.

I hope God let’s me live for many more years. Through the ups and downs this life on earth brings I continue to cling to Him, begging Him to draw me in closer. Like everyone else out there who knows Jesus, my prognosis is good. Excellent really. For I know the Lord, Jesus and with him by my side, leading me . . . I cannot lose.

I may be different, but it’s a good different. Cancer helped me to see that.

We have two great choices to make in life. Will we give our lives completely to the Lord? Yes or No. And if we do, will we follow his most important assignment. Will we lead others to Him? I ask you again . . . So, what is Your Prognosis?

A letter I wrote to our home church, the Vineyard Church of Clearwater

A letter I wrote to our home Church, Vineyard Church of Clearwater for their Talent Night where they showed off their God-given creativity as a form of Worship. My friend, Janet reported it was well attended w/ 60 guests as many attended as attend any church service and very interactive with many "gifts" presented. There were more than 20 persons presenting objects and about the same number doing stage things. I believer seeds were planted, they were planted indeed.

May, 2, 2009

Hi all,

I wish I could be with you in person for your talent night! For I know it will be a great event. So know that I am praying for you from a far. Praying the Lord will bless this event more than you even can imagine at the time of the event. That seeds will be planted to later be harvested.

Since I was unable to be there I am sending you my essay, “So, What is Your Prognosis?” I started writing it one day as I was journaling. Tonight I send you the finished, edited copy. But there is more to this essay then you will read. This essay became a part of a vision I kept having to have church by the sea. The event you prayed for just last weekend entitled, “Sharing from the Heart.”

Sharing from the Heart was an amazing event. We bought pizza & pop and brought my friend, Lisa, an amazing Worship Leader and held church facing out at the beautiful Caribbean Sea. As our guests looked up front at us they were also watching the sun setting behind us as we praised God and shared his Word. Amazing! Something only He could have created.

But there is more. It’s not a numbers game, but 40 people showed up. Our pizza and pop were like the loaves and the fishes as they multiplied leaving us w/ leftovers. People generously donated covering all our cost. But that’s not the important stuff either. The important stuff was the comments. We were able to pray for the lady in my essay who lost her husband just weeks before. A good friend of ours Mom, whom we adore, commented if we did this weekly she would attend. She stays home from church each week as her husband a strong believer goes. And most importantly of all. A co-worker of Scott’s showed up in his office this week to say, “I’m really close to giving my life to the Lord since I heard Julie’s testimony on Sunday.” Scott said, “Why wait, let’s do it now.” And there in his office at work she gave her life to the Lord. If that one life is why God gave me a Vision for this event, it was worth it. If this one life is why we were even sent to Grand Cayman, it was worth it.

So while I wish I could be there in person, I send my thoughts via an essay.

Enjoy & be blessed,

Julie Graubard
Running Towards the Goal - Phil. 3:12-16

You're Invited . . .

Sharing What's on the Heart ♥

You’re Invited!

A night of Praise & Worship, One Girl’s Story & a little Pizza & Fellowship, too!

Join my friend, Lisa, & I and our husbands as we share w/ you Worship & A Message from My Heart entitled "So, What's Your Prognosis?" - One Girl's Testimony of What she learned through her Walk through Breast Cancer not once - but twice? Come find out how in spite of the trails we faced as a family, we found blessings and peace along the way. If you get nothing else out of it you'll have great fellowship & laughs - lots of laughs - come here my story! Who knew Breast Cancer and trials had a funny side?!

Date: Sunday, April 26, 2009
Time: 5:00pm - 7:00pm
Food & Fellowship: 5:00 p.m.
Worship & My story begins: 5:45 p.m.
RSVP: princessjulie1213@gmail.com for details & location
Bring $5 if you're keen for Pizza (we're ordering in)!
We'll provide beverages.

We hope you can make it!

The Moo Farm

Well, it's official, we have found the Moo Farm. The Moo Farm you ask? What's that? Well, thanks for asking, I'd love to fill you in.

If you haven't visited us yet than you are not aware of the fact that just down the road from us is a big field where there are generally anywhere from 4 to 6 cows tied up grazing. We've always enjoyed watching the cows as we walk or drive by. But nobody enjoys them as much as Lilly.

Anytime you mention the cows she gets really excited and starts mooing. And it's a very sweet & drawn out Mooooooooooo! Well, Scott started a routine w/ her. Around dinnertime she is often a little fussy as she's hungry and usually getting tired. So in an effort to help me out, Scott started taking her for walks to see the Moos. So now at the first site of Scott as he returns from work, Lilly goes running to him jumping around happily, going Moooo, Moooo. And she jumps in her stroller and they are off.

In their daily adventures several things have happened by the moos. Always funny stories. And Scott has met the farmer, of course, and the caretaker of the cows, also an of course. And he's learned about the Moos. So they have learned most of the Moos are quite friendly and it's ok to pet them. Except for the mean Moo who they know to stay away from. So we do enjoy driving by day and night and watching them.

But the field moos aren't the greatest thing we've discovered. On one of their walks Scott & Lilly found the actual Moo Farm. A pen with several young cows just one neighborhood over. They drove me by once and I fell in love.

So in an attempt to have fun w/ Lilly one day, Jesse, Lilly, my babysitter, Marcia & I all drove to the Moo Farm when we were taking Marcia home. And Lilly started Mooooing out the window. Then one cow started Mooing back. Then Lilly and I would moo some more and then one by one like crazy sounding windchimes they were mooing at us. We were all laughing hysterically, but no one was laughing as hard as Marcia. She said, "Julie, they are angry at us! They think we've come to feed them and now we aren't. They see your car pull up and it's feeding time and you aren't feeding them!" Very funny, poor cows.

Turns out, that's true. I hope their food came shortly after. Well, not really.

When we drive by as much as I like meat, I see these sweet little faces and start calling them baby and then start shouting "Don't eat! It's a trick" Of course, I knew this, but it was never so evident as when many of them disappeared during the Christmas Season.

Now it's become routine sort of, Jesse has taken over for me yelling "Don't Eat!" But Lilly quickly counters "Eat!" Nice, right.

So what I've learned about all of this is Moos may come and go in your life, but Lilly proves to me the best thing to do is to just continue visiting the Moo Farm and be happy to see whoever is out waiting to Moo back.

My Son the Famous Shoe Kicker!

Jesse had Field Day this past Friday and so I went to cheer him on. But more importantly he came home w/ a blue ribbon for 1st place. He's so proud of it. He carried it to the supermarket and everywhere else we went all day. At what event did he win? The Shoe kick of course.

The PE teacher explained, you will untie your shoe & pull your heel out and just have the front of your foot in the shoe & then toss it as far as you can, blah, blah, blah. I say blah, blah, blah, as after she gave her explanation of the event - they heard no more. Instead like Graduation Caps soaring through the air - so it was w/ shoes flying everywhere. I was giggling so hard as I was texting the scene to Scott. I said - they so need video of this - she's lost all control and it's so funny.

Then it happened. Right before Jesse's big win, the 2nd grade boys stood on the line preparing to kick - I said, "Jesse," and then looked to the boys around him, too, & said - "you guys know - kick out - not up!" And they smiled agreeing.

So I watched from the sidelines like any proud Mom as my son's shoe flew through the air over the teachers' heads (he says he hit one - which makes me aware it could have gone even further) and by no question at all - his shoe went the furthest by a long shot. And I cheered and he smiled from ear to ear as those kids always beat him in the races and he was so proud!

It was so funny! I love that a Graubard won such a silly event! Sketchers. That's the key. I knew they were shoes that rocked!

Tiny Dancer Busts a Move

I've had a little bit of a hard time adjusting to being a mostly stay at home mommy w/ a baby again so I decided to try out this play group thing. It wasn't intimidating as it's held at a community center as opposed to someone's house. The first 1.5 hours is just free play & they have a craft table where they have a craft they can make. Lilly made a frog w/ my help. Therefore, I had fun. They also have little kid food & coffee for grown-ups. A nice touch. But the best time for both Lilly & I was the last half hour when they put away the toys & replace them w/ instruments. At that time they do music time playing songs such as the Wheels on the Bus. In case you didn't know, Lilly loves to dance thus her nickname Tiny Dancer. Anyway, so she started out shy sitting on my lap and sort of shaking the bells they gave her. But it didn't take her long to get up & go into full routine taught to her by Josh where she points her fingers & pumps her arms. She marched to the middle of the room to perform her little dance. It might not have been quite as funny to everyone else, but I had the picture going through my head of Josh dancing w/ her. It was sort of like the end of Little Miss Sunshine - only not as rude. Very, very funny. Josh calls her Mini-Me. I assure you, Mini-Me made him proud today.