A new blog for the Island Girl

Hi all,

If you are a loyal follower of Island Girl, you might want to check out my new blog Ho Ho's a Go Go. It's my adventures at praying more, eating healthier, and getting back in shape. Enjoy!

Blessings,

Julie

And all I got was this t-shirt

Do you ever feel that way? Like you want to be on vacation, having a swell old time walking the beach or whatever it is that vacation looks like to you, yet you feel like you only got the t-shirt. The reminder of what a great vacation spot you're missing out on. I've felt that lately. And make no mistake, I am blessed. Blessed beyond reason. But still, I'm human and more specifically have a flair for the dramatic, so sometimes when life is just day to day routine, something I personally should be excited about, I get a bit of the blahs.

Today I got one of those forward emails meant to remind you God is in all things. I'm not one for those emails, but I know people mean well when they send them. And often times they know I love Jesus, so they feel I'm a safe person to send them. But that said there I go judging as I know they do speak to some people more than they do to me. I suppose I just prefer to know Him on a more personal basis. I prefer Him in my day to day life thinking of Him, my BFF, on and off all the time for it is from He who I draw my joy.

All this said, today I got one of those emails. While it is very nice and very insiteful - I laughed when I read the first part of it. The email went something like this. "I asked God for a flower and a butterfly" written on top of a picture of a beautiful flower w/ a butterfly nearby. The next frame read "And he gave me this cactus." I laughed out loud. For we've all been there. Of course, the email went on to say, the cactus sprouted a beautiful flower and the catepillar also received became a gorgeous butterfly, so trust God for He knows what He's doing. All true for I do know God gives us His best. Still when you feel like life is beating you down, you know what it feels like to get the cactus when you want the beautiful water of a beach somewhere in the midst of winter. Maybe I'm taking this too personally in the midst of my first real winter back up North. :)

Fortunately I still have my sense of humor. And like I said mundane in the Graubard household is not such a bad thing.

Life isn't always a parade . . . nor is it a hurricane . . . I suppose thankfully . . . for it is in these times I think perhaps "this girl" grows the most. It is during these times where I get the "life is too good to be true" fears that are simply not from the Lord. Worry takes you nowhere, my friends . . . turn it all over to the Big Guy upstairs. He's in the business of showing you how cactuses are really flowers in disguise.

As always . . . thanks for listening.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." - John 16:33

Nobody said it would be easy . . .

God never said it would be easy here on earth . . . well, he planned it to be at one time when He originally made us in His likeness . . . but then one bite out of that fruit and we fell away from all He had for us via sin. Not everyone understands that . . . for it's quoted all the time as an ok ticket to sin . . . "well, He made us in His likeness." Yes, true, but then we fell from that glory. But take heart - there is good news in spite of ourselves. He did say He's there and He'll walk through stuff with us . . . both the good and the bad and the indifferent stuff. He's there. And while we fell from being like Him due to our sin natures . . . the good news - and you knew I'd say it because there's always good news . . . He did make a way for us to reconcile with Him and that's just cool if you ask me. Can you tell I'm a little pensive today. You see this week I've been struggling to find a balance in today's world. It's about being passionate about stuff. Everyone who knows me knows I'm passionate. But the question is: How passionate should you be? Because if you're passionate . . . you will be attacked for it by one group or another.

My joke this week is - did you know when you have had one mastectomy and still have to go for a mammogram on the remaining side - you still pay for the double mammogram . . . life isn't fair . . . get used to it. :) We all struggle with this thought in one way or another. We all naturally want our way. The cheapest way, the easiest way, the why do I have to go through this why can't it be simple way. But it's not up to us. And I assure you . . . there is an easy way, but don't confuse that with it's going to be our way.

Today in the USA it seems if you're passionate about anything - be prepared. There will be a group that brings you smacked down to your knees in a fight telling you you're wrong. Especially if your passionate about it and it's not politically correct. A common thought is - you're close minded and wrong. Period. But make no mistakes both conservatives and liberals act this way. Just watch the news one night if you think I'm wrong. When you stand up for what you believe it's not going to be accepted like - well, that's what you believe, ok, I can live w/ that and love you anyway . . . it's more of an in your face you're wrong that you'll most likely hear. That hurts. I love being a Christian. But I hate what people think being a Christian equals. I'll tell you what it means. Being a Christian means you Love the Lord, the Trinity w/ all your heart. It means you see the Bible as the whole truth and nothing but the truth - not just some of it - but all of it. It means you want to be in relationship with Him - you pray to, want to be close to and like dreaming about how cool Jesus is. But it's more than that. I couldn't possibly cover it all. But it means - you recognize we all sin - it's man who measures how big the sins are. The Lord sees sin as sin. Period. So if you've ever treated someone unkindly - you too, are a sinner just like the adulterer. It's our very nature since the fall. So Christians are simply sinners who are continually turning their back on sin. Do we fall short? Sometimes, of course. But we pick up on the road where we left off and continue going forward. Yes. I do question if you are a Christian, truly a Christian if you do not desire to turn from sin, but that's between you and God. Not you and Julie.

And I know about sinning first hand and having to stop those desires. Maybe at this point you think my sins are goofy, but they're sin nevertheless. They are the things that hurt people to their core. I joke about everything under the sun and sometimes I must stop the joke for I know it's wrong. My spirit tells me its wrong. And so I stop in spite of the desire to get the laugh. I know it when I throw hate towards my husband because I think I'm right and he's wrong. During those times I stop in my tracks and pray, "Lord, give me the strength to show love here, because you know I'm struggling to see him as You see him." I'm human. But I try to live my life Running toward the Goal:

Running toward the Goal - Philippians 3:12-16 (Contemporary English Version)
12I have not yet reached my goal, and I am not perfect. But Christ has taken hold of me. So I keep on running and struggling to take hold of the prize. 13My friends, I don't feel that I have already arrived. But I forget what is behind, and I struggle for what is ahead. 14I run toward the goal, so that I can win the prize of being called to heaven. This is the prize that God offers because of what Christ Jesus has done. 15All of us who are mature should think in this same way. And if any of you think differently, God will make it clear to you. 16But we must keep going in the direction that we are now headed.

I strive to grow closer and closer to being just like Jesus all the time. He's not trying to change my personality, He's trying to refine me. For instance, me, I believe Jesus was sarcastic. Just look at some of His interaction w/ Peter, who I so relate to. Jesus totally hung out w/ societies so called bad guys, he didn't stay in his safe group of people who were just like Him. He made people feel good about themselves as they turned from sin. My husband said - He didn't go up to the woman at the well and say, "Hey, slut, can I have a glass of water." No, he showed her love in spite of knowing about her lifestyle and her shunning from society as a result. I want to be like Jesus. I want to love not just the easy to love, but the ones who feel they're unlovable, too.

Anyway, It breaks my heart that people think Christian equals hate of different groups of people. And believe me - I know why they feel that way - there are Christians who in trying to get their point across show hate not love. It's a hard balance. It's passion - I have something - I am so joyful that I have it - I want you to have it, too. Like ice cream . . . only better. :) But in that pursuit we hurt people. I remember once a friend calling me out for telling her I prayed for her and that surely she was smart enough to understand there can only be one truth. Believe what you want - but believe it with all your heart. And I hurt her. And it hurt me, too. It still hurts that I hurt her, because I meant well, but I understand why that was hurtful. In my eagerness to share what I'd found I was too in her face. Our walks w/ the Lord are personal and we need to find our way on our own. Plant some seeds of why you're joyful, but sometimes you have to leave well enough alone and let people walk their own walk to finding Him or not, it's there choice. As is the case with whatever it is you're passionate about. If you love something - admit it - at one time or another you may have passionately told someone they were small minded because they didn't believe what you did.

All this said - it's more difficult today then ever before to live in the USA, as a true believer in Christ. Jesus has slowly lost the center of the country. In God we Trust seems to be just words these days. I know, because I lived in a Christian Country where people said to each other - I'm praying for you and people loved it and fell to their knees hoping you'd do it some more. They didn't understand all people could pray - yet looked for strong believers and leaders to do it for them, but they were not offended and as a country were fighting laws that would take God out of their country. Laws which had been accepted in Great Brittain, of which they are a territory, and the USA, which they so relate to.

However, in Grand Cayman I learned to be more tolerant of difference as a whole. How to be loving towards people who rubbed you the wrong way truly by mistake. Scott can tell you numerous funny stories of how passive-aggressive I would become over what I'd see as insults when really they were just cultural differences. You see there were truly people from all over the world in Cayman and so we saw huge differences in how people interacted acceptably. The questions I received looking back seemed like they came from a child - they were so innocent. Questions and statements like . . . "hey, look at you! you gained weight!" "who's your daughter's real mother? No, really, her real mother." "Why would you adopt a baby instead of having your own?" "I'm going to borrow your computer tonight." "I want to borrow your grill and I need your charcoal and lighter fluid, too." But you learn people are different and it's ok. It's ok. If you think it's funny seeing an American's expression after such comments, you really should have seen a Brittish face. Stoic as they are. My favorite comment coming from one of my best Jamaican friends. She looked at the Governor (equivalent to the President here), a Brittish man, and said, "Governor, you must love the Cayman food, you've put on a lot of weight around the middle!" And then she laughed her Jamaican robust laugh. And he looked at her w/ his very straight trying to smile politely Brittish expression saying "um, yes, I suppose." Difference at it's funniest. I learned to walk up to people and say, "Your butt looks bigger! Hurrah! Did you eat too much?!" OK, maybe not, but I learned from my Jamaican housekeeper daily to take things as they were said and not personally. It was a hard lesson on my "try desperately not to offend be polite" personality.

But back to my passion. I love Jesus. I love the Holy Spirit. And I love God the Father w/ all my heart. I Adore the whole Trinity. He healed me from breast cancer not once, but twice! He took my father home and healed him just in time so he would not have to suffer more here w/ a return of lung cancer. He brought me my children. My husband. He got us through some really, really hard stuff. And he was right there - even when I sulked and was mad. Even then I knew He had joy to give me if I would only reach out and grab hold of it. "The Joy of the Lord is my Strength!" And sometimes I turned my back on Him like an angry child saying "I love you Lord, but I'm mad at you. I hate cancer. Can't you do the miracle cure instead of the go through chemo and using doctors to heal me cure. You want me to have a what? A testimony? A greater compassion for those also hurting? OK, I give." In all my happiness in all my pain, He's always been there - I'm the one who blocked Him and everyone else out when I was scared and wanted to be alone. He was always there wanting to hold my hand. In times like those ultimately like that angry child I slowly let a smile go back on my face and through it all mad or not, I've learned I want to Praise Him no matter what! For He owes me nothing - yet He gave me it all.

I love Him. I'm sorry if you read this and don't believe in the Bible or believe in the Lord like I do and therefore take offense. But I assure you in spite of our differences . . . I love you and I am sorry you hurt for whatever you hurt in, too. Of course, I see there only being one truth for there can only be one truth - truth is truth. But that doesn't mean - I don't respect your decision not to agree with me. I wish you a good life. And I'm here for you should you ever want to know what it is that keeps Julie driving on not just in good and bad times, but in the indifferent times which for my personality are often the hardet times of all. They wear me out. I'm here for you. But please don't ask me not to be passionate about my beliefs. For it is when I lose my passion that I feel I'm letting Him down.

Thank you Jesus for loving me in spite of the fact that I'm still human and have made many mistakes. Thank you that each day the burden I carry grows lighter for you continually take it from my arms and say - be joyful my child. I love You. :)

His only assignment to me . . . Love Him and Love my neighbors. And even more importantly His newest command revealed in John - to Love people like He loves them. I call myself a Christian. And so I'm going to try my best, lean on His spirit for help and keep on keeping His assignment. I love you my neighbor, truly I do.

Super Hero or Super Freak? You be the Judge

I headed to Florida this week. As many of you know many of my doctors are in Florida. Not only my oncology team, but also my plastic surgeon. Let me assure you - once you've found a good plastic surgeon - you stay w/ that plastic surgeon. He becomes your lifelong friend. Some people have lawyers on retainer, I think I shall keep a plastic surgeon there. In other words you can be sure I will not be the one casting stones at Kate Gosselin.

Well, I've arrived in Florida and after pre-op and my oncology check-ups today I'm ready to proceed friday with surgery. It is my second of 3 surgeries I must go through to complete my breast reconstruction. I'm no stranger to this as you know I went through this same process in 2006 on the other side, but still surgery is surgery and it always leaves me a little uneasy as I approach it. You know the stuff. Fearful I'll forget to pack my goofy after surgery shirts. Sexy. Fearful I'll admit something else inappropriately while dozing into or out of anestesia. Fearful the kids will need their favorite pajamas or snack or something that I forgot to leave them prior to my trip. Fearful the hotel won't have TLC on the TV. Fearful, fearful, fearful, cause when I want to be . . . I'm a freak of fears. But my biggest one I had coming into this surgery was that I'll get the silly swine flu from the stale air on my flight down to Florida.

It's a legitimate fear. Both Jesse & I individually but on different dates the week following our flights to Pittsburgh from Grand Cayman ended up in the emergency room diagnosed w/ the flu. Now they don't tell you if it's the swine flu or not. And it really doesn't matter as the flu is the flu and my main concern here is it could keep me from surgery. So Tuesday, I faced my fears head on and jumped on a plane where the flu risk - swine or otherwise - is high.

Now I'm not a complete germ-a-phobe. But I do have some phobe where germs are concerned. You know like opening public bathroom doors w/ my sleeve rather than my hand. That kind. This is most apparent when I walk Lilly w/ me into any public restroom stall. You can hear me the whole time repeatedly saying "Don't touch anything. Noooooo! Don't touch. Noooooo! Aaahhhh! Stand right here. Noooooo! Touch nothing. Dirty. Dirty. Dirtyyyyyyy!" If you're a mother you're with me on this, right?! So if that makes me a germ-a-phobe. Then yes, mame, I'm a germ-a-phobe. But truly. These are the exception. I don't think of myself as living in a plastic bubble.

But Tuesday was different. I was not chancing the flu. So I did it. I bought myself a mask. A mask much like the ones I wore back & forth from Grand Cayman to Tampa when I would come for Chemotherapy. Now it didn't bother me then as at that time I was also bald and missing most of my eyebrows - so the mask - least of my worries on the "do I look okay scale?" if you know what I mean.

But this time I was embarrassed. Embarrassed that myself and only one other woman had a mask for our flights. The other woman had her mask on way before she even got on the plane. Brave! But me, I slithered into my seat, looked apologetically at the man next to me and said, "Don't take this personal. I'm a cancer survivor going for a surgery and can't risk getting sick on the plane." Poor guy! Too much - too much information for someone simply trying to read a book on a plane while thinking "who is that masked woman?" Me, Julie "putting pride aside for the sake of a new breast" Graubard. That's who.

So there you have it. More stories of the adventures of Julie. Super Hero or Super Freak? I'm going w/ freak because everyone knows - if I were a super hero I'd have used my "I dream of Jeanie" powers and head bobbed my way to Florida with a blink of the eyes.

A Side of Being a Young Cancer Survivor Most People Don't Realize Exists

Now let me start this blog by saying "Dear Reader this is not a call for your help." It's simply my venting a side of the whole cancer walk many people will not know is a cause of stress for me. Why would you, for we have been so blessed with friends and family who have helped. Unless of course you know me, really know me, then you might have seen in me how stressful I find this to be.

As a breast cancer survivor, I have had to go through not only 1 or 2 surgeries, but we're up to about 14 by now. Of course, not all of them are major surgeries, but that's the count Scott and I have going. I could count them out for you, but it might bore you almost as much as it bores me. Then there's chemo. Not once did I get to go through this, but twice. Then there's radiation. Ditto. Oh, and did I mention Dr.'s appointments. Countless doctors appointments that will continue perhaps at a lesser rate, but will continue until Kingdom come. Most of you already know all this about me. So why bring it up now at the tail end of this round of surviving breast cancer yet again. I'll tell you why, because it's hard having a young family and continually having to find help for the family as we walk through even the easy stuff like appointments.

But back to my stress point. A lot of these appointments take not only me, but also Scott away from the family. Me, as the patient and Scott as my personal hand holder.

It goes something like this. Who's going to pick Jesse up from school? Oh my, what will the kids eat tonight? McDonalds again? Sure? Are we overburdening Josh, who is constantly the third parent? And now we have baby duty all over again w/ Lilly. Oh no, one of them is in diapers again! This complicates things! And we can't call on someone to watch the little ones who we've just met. I just can't, they hardly know my kids how will I go into surgery or rest in good conscious! Is there a little seat in the operating room we can strap Lilly to, complete with a packet of animal crackers and a bottle? Scott what do we do this time?! Does my Mother have to make another trip with me thus giving up her life in Pennsylvania to do so for another 6 weeks at a time? What about my good friend Lynne? Or Erika? Or Judy? All have put in countless hours. Have we not called on them enough? Do people look at me like I'm an Amway Salesman. Don't make eye contact . . . here she comes!

On a side note, I did rebel a little in 2005 to 2006 against all the appointments in my life. I didn't go to the Dentist. I need the Eye Doctor too much, so I had to go to those appointments. But thank the Lord Jesus I have amazing teeth without cavities. So I skipped Dental cleanings and appointments for a time period, knowing I could get away with it since I'm such a good flosser. When I finally did return to the Dentist. She said with concern in her voice, "What kept you away? Are you afraid of the Dentist?" I exclaimed, "Are you kidding, I love how I feel after a Dental cleaning, I was simply being a rebel where I could get away with it!"

Now while most people do not make us feel this way, it's still a burden on my little heart. I ache thinking, who can I ask this time to help out. Nobody, except maybe, maybe Scott will ever realize how draining this is on my personality type. The, "please don't let anyone think I am taking advantage of them, I hate to have to overburden people, I like doing stuff myself" personality type. Sounds like pride, huh? Pride with a small mix of paranoia mixed in, but it's there and it's real and it stresses me out almost more than the silly disease itself has. And it's time to go through this yet again as I head back to Florida for surgery #2 of my reconstruction surgeries. Yay me!

On a good note, and there's always a good note, I praise God I am healthy. And as I prepare for my next surgery while also preparing to find help with the kids, I remind myself, this, too, shall pass. This too, I shall survive. But if you're reading and you've ever helped for a day or for more days than you can count. Then know I love you. Both Scott and I do more than you'll ever know. And thank you in the future for daring to make eye contact w/ me even as you see my next surgery coming up, for it tells me you understand my angst of asking for help I never planned on needing. We have amazing friends and family. We are blessed.

As always I thank you for all the prayers along the way.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
- Philippians 4:13

Love you all,

Julie and the family

Island Girl - trapped on land

Well, it's been a while since I wrote, so today w/ all this Julie/Julia movie stuff going on like so many others I felt I must get at it. Yes, of course. Maybe I need to write about what it's like to be a survivor - not just of breast cancer, but of reconstruction surgery, too. Maybe I should write about it once a day for 365 days. Or maybe I should write about whatever it is Julie wrote about for 365 days while she cooked from Julia's cookbook. What? Or maybe I should write about what it's like to move back to the US after 2 years in the Carribean writing about what the weather was like each of the 365 days per year that we were there. Sunny, 1000 degrees, w/ a chance of showers for about 1 hour that will make it hot, hot, hotter later in the day.

Seriously folks, it's been a long time since I blogged and I look back embarrassed that the last thing I wrote about was the infamous Jon & Kate when even Jon & Kate don't care about Jon & Kate anymore.

So let's just start w/ a quick update. Since leaving Grand Cayman we've had quite the ride. Josh left Cayman at the end of June the day after school was out at Triple C. Jesse, Lilly and I left on July 6. We headed to Beaver, Pennsylvania for the first leg of our adventures beyond Cayman. It started out a good trip, but ended in a blur for me as I got sick and ended up leaving Pennsylvania for Ohio in an achy state. So after about a 10 day stay w/ my Mom in PA, we headed for Ohio to stay w/ my friend Lynne at her farm in Alger, Ohio where we were reunited w/ our dog, Lucy, who barked at us at first and then looked at us like we seemed familiar. Then you could see on her face the "Oh yes, it's my family!"

Alger is right outside of the town of my Alma Mater, Ohio Northern University located in Ada, Ohio. Ada, Ohio where I had lived for not only 4 years for College (in the day when parents said you will be in college for 4 years period and they meant it). Then after a couple of years back in my hometown I returned to Ada, Ohio where I was employed in Admissions for 8 years. So as you can see - I spent 12 years in old Ada, so it was nice to return - however, I was still sick and really didn't get to enjoy it. Keep reading I promise our adventures get more exciting as I did head to Florida from there for Reconstruction. Yay me!

After a short stint in Ohio at Lynne's, the kids, Lynne and I loaded up in her car and headed to Florida. I had reserved a cottage to live in for the month as I knew from previous reconstruction surgery that I needed to be in town near the Doctor for follow-up appointments and recovery for at least a month. Lynne kindly agreed to help w/ this. Now lest Scott or my Mom are reading - they did both come and take care of me, too, but Lynne was the one who was there the whole time. God bless her. So in a cottage on Treasure Island became home July 19-August 19 (my 9th wedding anniversary I might add).

On August 19th Lynne, the kids and I loaded up the car and returned to Ohio. Now you may be wondering (or maybe you aren't) where Josh & Scott & Garbo ended up. Josh had been visiting his Mom in Pennsylvania and friends in Florida throughout the month of June, July & into early August. Scott arrived in Florida for my surgery w/ Garbo in tow the weekend before my surgery. Garbo had a short stay w/ our crazy friends Matt & Robin and their kids who foolishly loved on both our dogs before we went to Cayman. But back to the boys & Garbo. Scott returned to Cayman to finish out his contract out which was up on August 4th. So in August Josh, Scott & Garbo headed north together and made a stop to see David & Megan on their way to Ohio where they met up w/ us a day after the little ones and I returned to Ohio. Now, Scott, Josh, Jesse, Lilly, Lucy & Garbo and I are all in Ohio. The girls (including the dogs who are girls as you know) are at Lynne's home and the boys are staying w/ our friend Pat. And this is home for the moment. The kids are enrolled in the Ada Schools and we have a home to rent which we can get into hopefully in a week. So here we are in Ohio awaiting our next move. And there you go. You're caught up.

Keep on me now as I need to keep writing.

Love you all & ask for continued prayer for direction as the job search continues.

Julie

Jon and Kate plus a sad fan

I know it's ridiculous, but I am so saddened by Jon & Kate and their recent separation. Are they victims of stupidity! Did plastic surgery & pedicures & hairstyles make their harmless little life of parenting all those kids go down a wrong path? Sure. But who of us would pass up a free tummy tuck?! Is Kate mean? Sure. Does John put on blinders and seem oblivious most of the time when there are 8 kids to be parented? Sure. But they sound like normal parents of lots of kids that forgot they need God in the middle as it's hard. It's so hard. I mean is Kate mean or is John a slacker? Both. Which came first . . . the chicken or the egg? Who cares. Why isn't someone counseling them to get through this - they've invested so much and were just about to get them all in school. We can all be judgy - but the truth is they are marriage today. It's hard. Hard I tell you . . . but if he did not cheat, if they really are both believers - I so wish someone would pray and pray hard w/ them to fix this and take a break from the media. Am I passionate about this? No, why do you ask?!I need a sandwich.