I'm out of control

Today has been stressful to me. I've been on edge and I realize it's all about control issues. Further, as I was thinking about it I realized - it's not God who I don't want to have control of my life. It's everyone else.

You see, I'm one of those people who will do anything to stay out of conflict. And sometimes that means I actually cause it. In fact in my pursuit of pleasing and getting along with others - I try to make peace come even at the expense of my unrest. And most of the time I do it quite passive-aggressively I might add.

So as I pondered this today. I realized I think where I struggle is the idea that others have any control over my life. Sometimes I give it to them. Often in fact. Sometimes I seek approval so much that I give up a part of myself trying to get it. At times I've caught myself actually seeking other people's approval so much that I forget it's really God's approval I should be seeking. Period. But then there are other times when I feel like people feel they have the right to inflict their needs or their time constraints on me so much that I lose control in that way as well. I think this one is harder for me. This is when my well-developed ability to feel guilt works on me the hardest. This is especially difficult for me when it moves into my family life. It's when it's affecting my family that I find myself most irritable. A Bear protecting her cubs!

This lead me into a deeper question for myself. When other people feel the need to inflict their needs on my family. Am I angry because they are taking control of my time? Or am I angry because I've lost my own overzealous control of things?

I gladly give God control over my family's life. In fact I prefer it for I know His plans for our life are meant for good. However, I do not know whether or not I want to give it up to other people. This is something I will continue to pray and ponder.