That seems an appropriate title for this blog. This long awaited blog. I will just give updates in all areas. But I also felt if my testimony is to be real than I need to share how I am really feeling these days. It's been a hard summer and so I won't sugar coat it - but I will share the joys as well for even now I do know God is in it.
Lilly - amazing little being. She could not be cuter if she tried. And she continues to sleep through the nights - take good naps - laugh & make everyone laugh w/ her. She seems to know life is good for her & it's as if she knows the blessings deep in her heart. But the truth is - we are not the blessing placed in Lilly's life. She is the blessing placed in ours. Lilly's smile give me hope. She helps me to see life through eyes of someone who hasn't always known the privileges I have. I think the family in completion would agree w/ that statement - but it is one that is completely true for me. Lilly is my hope. My hope that life can and will get better and even if it doesn't we are blessed.
Jesse - he loves being a big brother. It's been long awaited. He is an expert in everything Lilly. He & Josh started school on Monday, so it's a little quieter around the house these days. He's been my little buddy for so long it's odd to have a little girl trailing around. But make no mistake he's still my little boy I tell him no matter how big he gets.
Josh - also loves his new little sister. He is a huge help & it is good to have him home after a long summer away. He has grown up. I can see the Holy Spirit living through him in ways I never did before. I am grateful for him.
Scott's job is a challenge, but he is always good w/ a challenge. I imagine he feels good getting out of the house as I have not been easy. We are still in search of a church home, but have made friends at two different churches. We have met some amazing individuals at both churches and that is good. But still we search for a church where the Holy Spirit is welcome, the teaching is good & the people truly reach out beyond the walls of the building. It seems in Cayman one day Scott may pastor a church. Time will tell. He continues to do missions work w/ his best buddy from the states, Jeff Ghiotto.
Scott & I are having a challenging summer. Cancer Round 2 has not been an easy one. The medicines make me grouchy & anxiety ridden & some days I just want to crawl in a ball & sleep. This isn't easy on Scott. And it's definitely not easy on me. If you thought I was a hero - I'm not. I think of my father daily & how he said I am strong. I am not strong. I am weak. I am angry often at God, at Scott and at anyone who annoys me. Why am I tell you this? Because you need to know - I am not a hero. I am a human being who hurts a lot & clings to God with all my might even when I am angry at Him. I learned this summer - when I feel alone I don't think God has forsaken me - I feel it is me who has forsaken Him. He doesn't move - He is constant. But I know if I am honest, that I do and it always sends me running back to Him where I cling to Him knowing He has a better idea of how this will play out. You know that's the thing - I know He is there - it is definitely me who moves.
The good news. I do seem to be on the mend. While I still have one more chemo & 25 radiation treatments ahead of me to complete treatment to keep cancer away - like I said - I am on the mend.
In the midst of this God is teaching me about beauty through God's eyes. I am bald. Retaining water immediately following chemo. Put on about 5 lbs. And am tired of all cultures saying . . . "did you gain weight?" "Why yes, I did and in America that makes woman want to be anorexic - thanks for asking." I haven't gotten that in awhile as when people ask me if I've gained weight I grab them by the arms & say, "yes, stop asking!" It's not the weight gain I mind - it's the lack of muscle - you should know that. I know 5 lbs. is not a lot. But it is old weight gain & I am no longer an athletic build but rather a woman who looks as if she's aged by 10 years. And when Scott says - it's only temporary I say to him . . . I will still look like a boy at Christmas. And that's how I feel. But the good news is as per a friend's advice I have just placed a date on how long I will allow myself to be angry about my new reflection in the mirror. Sept. 20th. That's the date I should stop feeling ill from my last chemo - that's the day I believe no more hair will fall out, but rather can grow again. Oh, and if you want a laugh. Here it is - I've always had a couple of tiny hair that grows around my chin. It's not really noticeable - but I take them out w/ tweezers all the time & have since probably my early 20's. One is still growing. How's that for irony. See - I'm human. I am angry about my reflection. Embarrassed someone will see pictures & tell people - look what Julie Bianchi looks like now. Why am I telling you this - because it hurts - and God is working on my self-image perhaps more than even the first time. It's a lesson I think I have always needed and I am getting it in a big way. Someone once told me when people see you they see more than your reflection in the mirror - they see you - how you talk - your facial expressions, etc. And it's different. That is true for I never see any of my friends w/ the same eyes I see myself. It's an issue I've always had. So God is working on me in this area so if you think about it - pray w/ me on this issue as I need healing in this area.
Following chemo treatments round 1 - pictures were developed of me & my friend Dave Brintnall both showing our bald heads. And when I saw the pictures my lack of eyelashes, the swollen face & just lack of face really made me so sad & I said - I'm so glad I never saw these while I was going through chemo. If I had I would have thought I was very, very sick. And that's how I see them - that others will see them and see the same thing. This time a mistake was made & I saw the pictures and they torture me. So I promise - should they slip out to you - I feel better than I look - I am grumpy - very grumpy & irritable - and tired - oh so tired. But I also am thankful for Lilly - thankful for the blessing she is - thankful God made her an easy baby and that the boys & Scott are so good with her.
On another note - help has arrived. My Mom arrived early August & is here until August 28th to help mommy us. And we hired a helper who comes 5 days a week to clean & my Mimi was the cleanest person I ever knew - kept the cleanest house & my house is cleaner. That's how good Marsia the helper is. The boys get frustrated, including Scott when she moves their stuff - but the house is clean for the first time in my adult life. So that is good.
And that is our life. Please pray for our protection, for our joy & mostly for us to see God's will in our lives for surely he has a plan.
17"Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crops fail
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
18Yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
19The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to go on the heights.
Habakkuk 3:17-19
Be blessed, but more than that - bless others,
Julie
